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To give, expecting something in return is not a gift at all—it’s a favor, a loan, a transaction.
To receive a gift, with the pressure of pay-back, is just a guilt trip…
THE DUTY TO RECIPROCATE?
Have you ever had someone remind you of a gift they gave you?
Have you ever had someone give you something, then announce it (their gift-giving) publicly?
Have you ever received a gift with strings attached?
Do you give with strings attached?
Have you ever given something to someone and they didn’t know how to receive it or felt obligated to give you something back?
I’ve been in the situation where people have given me things and I felt obligated to do something in return or give them something back because I was so used to there being strings attached.
Have you ever been in the situation where you’ve had to really “sell” your gift (convincing…begging them to take it)?
IS GIVING REALLY GIVING IF
there are strings attached?
No.
Giving with strings attached is an oxymoron.
Once you expect to receive something back for a gift or once you expect to give something back for receiving a gift, it’s no longer a gift.
I’m convinced that many of us don’t know how to give without strings attached and don’t know how to receive without expecting there be strings attached.
Let’s break some definitions down so we’re all on the same page. Let’s start with the definition of GIFT/GIVING: something that I would give voluntarily without the expectation of compensation for their own use, for someone else’s benefit.
If we give and someone isn’t thankful or they take what we give for granted, or they break it, or misuse it, or give it to someone else and we get offended, we know our motives aren’t right.
Whatever they do or do not do with that gift or even how they respond toward me once I give them that gift, that’s between them and God.
If they misuse or abuse that gift, that’s between them and God.
If they gave that gift to someone else, they gave what they owned to someone else—I don’t own that (gift) anymore. I don’t have a string attached to it anymore—that is now theirs to do with what they will. So if I get offended, my heart isn’t right.
I shouldn’t even expect a “Thank you” because that means I gave it to them and what I want for compensation is a “Thank you”.
NO STRINGS ATTACHED
A true gift is me putting something in their possession and walking away (from it)—I no longer have an attachment to it and I don’t expect anything in return—it’s free of restrictions, conditions, or obligations.
Let’s break down STRINGS ATTACHED: when you give something to someone with conditions or obligations to the recipient, putting that person in a position where the receiver is obligated not to refuse you if you ask them for a favor.
I think a lot of us give but our definition of give is actually “favor”, or “loan”, or “exchange”, or “transaction”.
My definition of FAVOR: to do something for someone expecting something in return.
I’ve been in situations, maybe you have too, where I’ve given and I thought it was a gift or I’ve received it and thought it was a gift but it was actually a TRANSACTION (an exchange or transfer of goods, services, or funds) loan or favor, and there was “interest” involved.
A LOAN is money lent or something lent at interest—something lent usually for the borrowers temporary use.
To BORROW means to receive with the implied or expressed intention of returning the same or an equivalent; to borrow with the intention of returning the same plus interest.
Are we giving expecting something in return? Is it (actually) a transaction? Is it business? Is it a business exchange? Are we friends or what are what are we doing here? We should have an understanding beforehand.
To call on compensation for something that was supposedly given is unfair to both parties because one person entered into a contract but the other person didn’t.
CONTRACT: an agreement, arrangement, promise, or commitment that could be written or spoken.
WAYS WE MIS-GIVE
There’s a list of ways we say we’re giving but we aren’t, they aren’t the true definition of giving. Some of those ways are obvious, some are not…
VOLUNTEERING/HELPING: to be of use to; benefit; to serve; to give assistance or support.
E.g. when people offer to “help”, then bring it up later when they want something in return.
I’ve volunteered often over the years, overseen a lot of volunteering, and taught on volunteering. I had to check my own heart: when I give of my time, my help, my work, my talents, my gifts, my abilities in a volunteer situation, I shouldn’t expect anything in return—I am giving—it’s free-will giving.
Now, if I was doing a favor, I should say so. It should be communicated.
But with volunteering, we should not expect or demand anything in return.
This is kind of funny and another way that we often give, expecting something in return: when we give COMPLIMENTS.
We’ll complement someone and expect something in return. Even if it’s just (expecting) a “Thank you”.
If I compliment you and you don’t thank me, will I be offended?
If so, I didn’t actually give you that compliment, it was more like a loan, a favor, an exchange, a transaction, e.g., I’m going to give you this (compliment) verbally and I want something back”.
That (kind of so-called “giving”) leans more toward the definition of FLATTERY.
The difference between compliment and “flattery” is “flattery” usually implies I want something back (for it). It’s sometimes a form of manipulation. A compliment is truly a gift. It’s for their benefit and it’s sincere. Flattery has an ulterior motive to it.
Another area where we should be giving is APOLOGIES.
When I give an apology, if I get nothing in return, it should be okay with me. If my apology isn’t sincere, if it’s not for you, then I might be hurt, I might be offended if you don’t respond in kind or you don’t respond with a thank you or an appreciation. An apology should also be a gift.
Generally speaking, when people give, there are CONDITIONS (stipulations, prerequisites, or qualifications) so it is not truly giving, e.g. “I’m going to give this to you if ____”. When we do give and there are conditions—when it is actually a loan, or a favor, an exchange, a transaction—those conditions aren’t usually communicated yet we think them and we expect them. Then, when it comes back around, that return or compensation is expected and it can really throw relationships for a loop.
Here’s a touchy one, RAISING CHILDREN:
It’s so interesting to me that some parents expect children to pay them back for something that we’re supposed to be giving them—the gift of discipleship and mentorship and guidance. We are to do that (graciously raise them) because it’s our obligation, it’s our responsibility, and it’s our privilege, right? And yes, the ultimate and ideal thing should be that we take care of our parents (1 Tim 5:8), especially when they get older. But parents shouldn’t be putting guilt trips on their children (for being raised by them) saying, “I’m giving you the gift of life (Prov 22:7), I’m raising you so you owe me!” That is a heavy burden to put on children. And even (sometimes) as they get to be adults. Romans 13:8: “Owe nothing to anyone except to love and seek the best for one another…”. I know that’s a touchy subject but when parents put that GUILT TRIP on children, I think the whole “…your life was a gift…” thing gets revoked, e.g., “I did you a favor”; “Your life was a loan”; “This (raising you) was a transaction”; “I gave you life, I raised you, I allowed you to be born and grow up in my home so you owe me!” Phew! So grateful God doesn’t guilt-trip us!
This whole giving with strings attached is often a control tactic—a lot of people give and it’s a form of manipulation.
Why do we give with strings attached? Why?! It’s such a common thing, right? We call it “giving” but it (usually) isn’t! (Mat 6:3)
My question is, do you give well?
Do you receive well?
It’s totally possible for us not to have experienced true and sincere giving and still learn how to do it.
HOW TO GIVE WELL
Something I did a few years back: I “checked” myself to see if I was giving out of guilt or obligation and learned I was—I was feeling like I was pressured into giving. I needed to make sure I was practicing the following:
“Let each one give [thoughtfully and with purpose] just as he has decided in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver [and delights in the one whose heart is in his gift].” (2 Cor 9:7 AMP)
COMPULSION: the act of using force or pressure to make someone do something or an act or state of forcing an action. I then had to pray about it and study (the topic of giving).
If my heart is not in my gift and I’m struggling to give or am having second thoughts (about giving) or I have an attachment to that gift, then I don’t give until I’m doing it cheerfully, willingly, and with no ulterior motive (because) I am not attached to and I am no longer the possessor in, any form, of that gift.
“…freely and generously give to him and your heart shall not be resentful when you give to him, because for this [generous] thing the LORD your God will bless you in all your work and in all your undertakings.” (Deut 15:10 AMP)
I didn’t want to give under compulsion, guilt, pressure, or obligation. I really wanted to give, but wanted that joy of giving because someone else was going to be blessed by it! As Christians, when we sow something, we can inherently reap (Prov 11:25, 2 Cor 9:10-15, Luke 6:38), but that is not my focus; my focus should be to fully and sincerely give because of the benefit for/to that person. So I had to ask myself years ago, do I think about or am I thinking about that gift afterwards? If so, that’s an attachment! If I’m thinking about that gift, regretting (giving) that gift, or thinking I gave too much—too much money or time or effort—that’s an attachment, that’s a string. So I had to get to the point where I didn’t give if I felt that, and I only gave when I didn’t feel it.
But! There’s a whole other side to this…
SACRIFICIAL GIVING
A SACRIFICE is to give something that costs you something (money, time, resources…) that may initially seem inconvenient or beyond our present ability, resources, or comfort.
There were times when I would give and it was without a string—times when I would think, “No, I’m not going to give because I wouldn’t cheerfully and willingly do this.” There were other times when I felt in my spirit, I was supposed to give and I wanted to give but I (still) had an attachment; so I (learned) I had to adjust myself/attitude: I had to “turn a switch” (and say), “I’m going to give a sacrificial gift and a sacrificial gift is by choice. I have to choose when to give a sacrificial gift that shouldn’t be under compulsion or obligation or guilt or pressure. I’m going to choose to give a sacrificial gift. It’s going to cost me something. But my joy is in that sacrifice because I’m making this sacrifice for someone else’s sake!”
Some examples: it could be giving or selling your property in order to share or provide for others (Acts 2:45); it could be giving just to make someone happy. That’s a common thing with parents: you are sacrificial givers, sacrificial providers—you’re loving them sacrificially—it’s costing you something to make them happy.
Additional examples of sacrificial giving: living on or having less so that others with nothing or little can have something or more (Prov 3:27-28); giving something you like or want and giving it joyfully because of someone else’s joy.
I have to not only be okay with that (sacrifice) but it has to be something that’s joyful for me—I have to make that choice and count that cost asking, “Is the cost of giving this too much? Will I be able to give this without a string? Sacrificially?” It should be that it feels good for it to cost me something—because I’m not putting myself first—I’m putting others before myself—and that’s an unbelievably good feeling (Phil 2:3).
Another way to check ourselves is to see if we’re conscious or unconscious MANIPULATORS.
MANIPULATION: deception; seduction; to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means – especially to one’s own advantage; to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one’s purpose…
Is it a control tactic when we give? That’s a personal thing and you have to examine yourself (regarding that). Ask God to help you (James 1:5). Ask God to help you give like He does—to give willingly and cheerfully. Meditate on these scriptures and ask Him for a heart of giving. The heart of giving is His heart and under the umbrella of love. Love is unconditional (1 Cor 13:4-7) and has no fear in it. Under the umbrella of fear are the aforementioned, manipulation & control.
Again, ask yourself “Am I loving this person (when I give)?” Love isn’t going to expect love in return. Love is a gift in itself.
Ask yourself if you’re GIVING FOR RECOGNITION (Matt 6:1-2); are you trying to give in order to put it on social media? In order to #IGaveToday?
When you volunteer at the food bank or wherever you do, is it for attention? Is it so that someone thinks you’re amazing? Be honest with yourself and ask if it’s for approval or a pat on the back.
There’s a scripture that talks about GIVING PRIVATELY:
It’s scary when you give and announce it…“Be [very] careful not to do your good deeds publicly, to be seen by men; otherwise you will have no reward [prepared and awaiting you] with your Father who is in heaven. So whenever you give to the poor and do acts of kindness, do not blow a trumpet before you [to advertise it], as the hypocrites do [like actors acting out a role]…”
…acting out the role of a giver. We act out the role of Giver often when we’re not actually giving for the benefit of others. We’re giving to benefit ourselves,
“…so that they may be honored and recognized and praised by men”. (Matt 6:1-4 AMP)
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO RECEIVE?
To come into possession of; to permit to enter; to welcome; to acquire; to lay hold of; to take and make one’s own what is offered…
There’s the biblical definition (of receive) that means TO TAKE—to take something out of someone else’s hand and take it as yours.
HOW AND WHY SHOULD I (LEARN TO) RECEIVE WELL?
Part of my selfishness was not receiving from those who were trying to give. I was putting myself first, my pride first. I couldn’t receive from them although it was a blessing to them.
If I allow you to give to me, I’m also giving to you. If you long to cheerfully and willingly sow something into my life and I don’t allow you to do it, I’m taking away your gift also.
Scripturally, every time you give, you’re sowing a seed. If I refuse that gift, I’m not allowing you to sow a seed that you could reap later. I am sometimes uprooting it by belittling or not receiving it well. If I refuse it, I’m not allowing that seed to even be planted spiritually, then naturally. It’s like saying, “I’m not going to receive from you because I want to steal your harvest.”
Another way to receive well is to RECEIVE WITH HUMILITY.
A lot of times we don’t want to receive because, for example, we don’t want people to think we need the money/gift. That’s pride. Again, you’re stealing their harvest, their joy, and their gift—their gift of giving you something (Acts 20:35). It blesses the giver even more when we receive thankfully.
Have you ever given something to someone who didn’t receive it well and that was a bummer to you?
It was (maybe) a bummer because you were giving for their joy but they rejected it in some way and ruined your giving experience.
RECEIVE WITH THANKFULNESS
I’ve been the one to not receive well or at all and stolen their joy, so I had to train myself to say thank you immediately and (thankfully and humbly) enjoy and receive the gift—the thought that went into it, the heart that went into it, the fact that they took the time to think about me and give me anything at all…being thankful to them and to God that they gifted me with anything is a gift to them.
So the question is, do you give with strings attached, do you receive expecting strings to be attached?
If so, ask God to help you to both be a sincere, cheerful, willing giver, and a thankful guilt-free receiver.
SHORT-LIST OF THINGS GOD FREELY GIVES
Wisdom (James 1:5)
Grace (Ephesians 4:7; 2 Corinthians 9:8)
Peace (John 14:27)
The desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4)
Life, breath…all things (Acts 17:25)
Answers (Matthew 7:7)
What is good/good things (Matthew 7:11; Psalms 81:10; Psalms 84:11; Psalms 34:10)
What you need if… (Luke 12:31; Philippians 4:19)
Answered prayer (Matthew 21:22)
Provision (Matthew 6:25-34)
Protection (Psalms 18:2)
Understanding (John 14:26)
Strength (Ephesians 3:16-17)
Grace, glory, good things… (Psalms 84:11-12)
Himself/His Son (Romans 8:32; 1 Timothy 2:6; Titus 2:14)
Himself/His Spirit (John 14:26. John 3:16)
Love/His Son (1 John 4:10; John 3:16)
"Strings Attached" Scriptures
Note: please always study these topics and scriptures for yourself and in context.
I pray that you would be filled with wisdom and spiritual understanding (spiritual and mental intelligence combined) and increase in the correct knowledge of God. / Col 1:9-10
Hebrews 4:12 (NKJV)
…the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow,
and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.
Proverbs 16:2 (AMP)
All the ways of a man are clean and innocent in his own eyes [and he may see nothing wrong with his actions], But the Lord weighs and examines the motives and intents [of the heart and knows the truth].
Exodus 22:25 (NIV)
If you lend money to one of my people among you who is needy, do not treat it like a business deal; charge no interest.
1 Timothy 5:8 (AMP)
If anyone fails to provide for his own, and especially for those of his own family, he has denied the faith [by disregarding its precepts] and is worse than an unbeliever [who fulfills his obligation in these matters].
2 Corinthians 9:7 (AMP)
Let each one give [thoughtfully and with purpose] just as he has decided in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver [and delights in the one whose heart is in his gift].
Matthew 6:1-4 (AMP)
Be [very] careful not to do your good deeds publicly, to be seen by men; otherwise you will have no reward [prepared and awaiting you] with your Father who is in heaven. So whenever you give to the poor and do acts of kindness, do not blow a trumpet before you [to advertise it], as the hypocrites do [like actors acting out a role] in the synagogues and in the streets, so that they may be honored and recognized and praised by men. I assure you and most solemnly say to you, they [already] have their reward in full. But when you give to the poor and do acts of kindness, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing [give in complete secrecy], so that your charitable acts will be done in secret; and your Father who sees [what is done] in secret will reward you.
Proverbs 22:7 (NIV)
The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is slave to the lender.
Acts 2:45 (AMP)
And they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing the proceeds with all [the other believers], as anyone had need.
Acts 20:35 (AMP)
In everything I showed you [by example] that by working hard in this way you must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He Himself said, ‘It is more blessed [and brings greater joy] to give than to receive.’
Proverbs 3:27-28 (NKJV)
Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, When it is in the power of your hand to do so. Do not say to your neighbor, “Go, and come back, And tomorrow I will give it, When you have it with you.
Deuteronomy 15:10 (AMP)
You shall freely and generously give to him, and your heart shall not be resentful when you give to him, because for this [generous] thing the Lord your God will bless you in all your work and in all your undertakings.
Matthew 6:3-4 (NKJV)
But when you do a charitable deed, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, that your charitable deed may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will Himself reward you openly.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (AMP)
Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking…
Matthew 6:3-4 (NKJV)
But when you do a charitable deed, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, that your charitable deed may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will Himself reward you openly.
Philippians 2:3 (AMP)
Do nothing from factional motives [through contentiousness, strife, selfishness, or for unworthy ends] or prompted by conceit and empty arrogance. Instead, in the true spirit of humility (lowliness of mind) let each regard the others as better than and superior to himself [thinking more highly of one another than you do of yourselves].
Luke 6:38 (AMP)
Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure—pressed down, shaken together, and running over [with no space left for more]. For with the standard of measurement you use [when you do good to others], it will be measured to you in return.
2 Corinthians 9:10-15 (AMP)
Now He who provides seed for the sower and bread for food will provide and multiply your seed for sowing [that is, your resources] and increase the harvest of your righteousness [which shows itself in active goodness, kindness, and love]. You will be enriched in every way so that you may be generous, and this [generosity, administered] through us is producing thanksgiving to God [from those who benefit]. For the ministry of this service (offering) is not only supplying the needs of the saints (God’s people), but is also overflowing through many expressions of thanksgiving to God. Because of this act of ministry, they will glorify God for your obedience to the gospel of Christ which you confess, as well as for your generous participation [in this gift] for them and for all [the other believers in need], and they also long for you while they pray on your behalf, because of the surpassing measure of God’s grace [His undeserved favor, mercy, and blessing which is revealed] in you. Now thanks be to God for His indescribable gift [which is precious beyond words]!
Luke 6:38 (AMP)
Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure—pressed down, shaken together, and running over [with no space left for more]. For with the standard of measurement you use [when you do good to others], it will be measured to you in return.
Romans 13:8 (AMP)
…for he who [unselfishly] loves his neighbor has fulfilled the [essence of the] law relating to one’s fellowman].
Hebrews 13:16 (AMP)
Do not neglect to do good, to contribute [to the needy of the church as an expression of fellowship], for such sacrifices are always pleasing to God.